904 The One With The Sharks

SCENE: Central Perk.

Phoebe comes in.

Phoebe: Oh hey Ross, oh I’m so glad someone’s here. Could you zip me up?

Ross: Sure.

Phoebe: Thank you. Can you believe no one between my apartment and here offered to do that for me?.

Ross: People. (Shakes his head.) So why you all dressed up?

Phoebe: Oh umm. Mike’s picking me up for a date.

Ross: Oh yea? Now um, how is that going, is it getting serious?

Phoebe: Oh I dunno, I dunno, you know I mean, I like him but am I ready to take my grade-A loins off the meat market?

Ross: You know, I really admire your whole dating attitude, it’s so healthy. I’m always like, is this moving to fast? Is this moving to slow? Where’s this going?

Phoebe: Yeah, you know, you are a bit of a drama queen.

Ross: But you, you’re so much better off. You just go from guy to guy having fun and never worrying that it terms into anything serious.

Phoebe: I wouldn’t say never, you know. There’s that guy … well what about…OK well there’s gotta be someone.

Ross: There isn’t. That’s what I’m saying. /p>

Phoebe: Oh my God, you’re right!

Ross: I know, and yet here you are, all ready for the next date.

Phoebe: I can’t believe I never realized this before. I’m in my 30s and never been in a long-term relationship! Oh my God! (Starts crying.) What’s wrong with me?

Ross: No, no, no there’s nothing wrong with you. I mean, you don’t strike me as the type of person that wants to get married anyway.

Phoebe: I wanna get married! (Grabs a tissue.)

Ross: Please don’t cry because of me, Pheebs. I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’ve been divorced three times!

Phoebe: At least you’ve been married! Oh my God! I wanna trade lives with Ross! (Cries.)

Mike (Paul Rudd) enters.

Mike: Phoebe, what’s wrong?

Phoebe: Nothing, I’m excited about our date. Mike, this is Ross Geller. Ross, this is Mike Haaaaa… (Cries again.)

Ross: I’m sorry I didn’t catch…

Mike: It’s Mike Hanagen.

Ross: Oh, Ross Geller.

Mike: (To Phoebe) Hey, so are you sure you’re ready to go?

Phoebe: Uh huh. (To Ross) How do I look? (Her face is a mess from crying.)

Ross: Do you have a compact in your purse?

Phoebe: No.

Ross: You look great.

Opening Credits

SCENE: Central Perk, Monica enters.

Monica: Hey Joey.

Joey: Hey, this girl won’t turn around and I can’t tell whether she’s hot or not, what do you think?

Monica: Joey, I am not going to objectify woman with you! (Looks at the woman.) But if her face is as nice as her ass, woah mamma!

Joey: All rright thanks. Oh hey, have you talked to Chandler?

Monica: Yeah, he has to stay in Tulsa this weekend.

Joey: How come?

Monica: He has to work, there’s some rush on the big … ah damn it, one of these days I’m really gonna have to start listening when he talks about his job.

Joey: Oh. Why don’t you fly out there and surprise him?

Monica: Maybe I will go….Yeah, we’ll have a second honeymoon at the Tulsa Romana.

Joey: Oh and you know what you should bring? The black see-through teddy with the attached garters.

Monica: How do you know I have one of those?

Joey: Didn’t till just now.

(Monica goes to the back and Joey looks at the girl)

Joey: Hot not hot. (She turns around) Hot!

Hayley: Excuse me?

Joey: I said I think you’re hot and now I’m embarrassed.

Hayley: Oh I thought you said “Hi.”

Joey: That would’ve been better, I’ll try that. Hi, I’m Joey.

Hayley: I’m Hayley.

Joey: Look, I don’t usually ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses…

Gunther: Ha!

Joey: (To Gunther.) Gesundheit!

Hayley: I would love to go out with you.

Joey: Really, great, did I actually ask you?

Hayley: No, that’s just where you were going. I just figured that I’d help you out, you don’t seem like the kind of guy that does this a lot.

Gunther: Ha!

Joey: (To Gunther.) Seriously Gunther, you should see someone about that cold. If it gets much worse you could DIE! (Gunther looks scared.)

SCENE: Ross is at Phoebe’s.

Ross: So how’d the date go?

Phoebe: Well, it was awful! Every time I thought about what you said, I started crying.

Ross: So he hasn’t called?

Phoebe: Would you call this girl? (Fake crying) Thanks-fo-r-a-love-ly-even-ing.

Ross: Now I feel terrible, this is all my fault.

Phoebe: Well, you know what you should feel terrible about? This could have been my serious guy! He was sweet and smart and funny. Do you know how hard it is to meet a guy like that?

Ross: We are a rare breed.

SCENE: Hayley’s Apartment.

Hayley: What a great dinner.

Joey: Yeah! And hey, thanks again for letting me have that last piece of cake at the restaurant.

Hayley: (Laughs) You’re welcome again. I’m gonna make some coffee. Can I get you anything?

Joey: Do you have any cake?

(Hayley laughs, goes into the kitchen.)

Joey: (Thinking:) So this is going pretty good. Dinner was nice, got a lot in common. (Sees a magazine) Victoria’s secret, huh, we even like the same books. Oh now there’s a scary painting. Wait a minute! I think I’ve been scared by that painting before. You know what, this whole place look familiar! I have definitely been in this apartment! I know I’ve seen this weird plant before (a cactus and he touch it) ouch! It did that the last time! Oh my God, I’ve gone out with this girl before! Yeah, we had sex on this couch and then on that chair and…no, we didn’t do it here, which is weird because it seems like a perfectly good place. (Bends down and the cactus pricks him in the ass) ouch! That’s why.

SCENE: Mike’s Apartment

Ross: Hey Mike sorry to just drop by like this, can I come in?

Mike: Sure. (He looks confused.) Who are you?

Ross: I’m Ross, Phoebe’s friend from the coffeehouse.

Mike: Oh.

Ross: Yeah, I really, really need to talk to you about something.

Mike: OK, unless… you’re not gonna try to get me to join a cult are you?

Ross: (laughs) No

Mike: Oh, it’s just you have that look

Ross: Damn super cuts!

Mike: What’s up? Is Phoebe OK?

Ross: Oh no, yeah, no, Phoebe is great, but umm… I’m an idiot. Look, right before you guys went out, I accidentally got her all upset.

Mike: That’s why she was weird.

Ross: Yes, yeah, I said something stupid about her never having had a serious relationship, but you should know she is so much fun, a wonderful person! Please don’t blow her off.

Mike: I’m not blowing her off. I actually just got off the phone with her. We’re going out tomorrow night. I mean, I hope that’s OK with you, stranger from the coffee house.

Ross: Well then, I didn’t need to bother you or the four other Mike Hanagens I bothered.

Mike: Hey wait wait wait wait! Is that true what you said? Phoebe’s never had a serious relationship?

Ross: Of course she has. If she’d never had a serious relationship, I’d go around broadcasting it like some unstoppable moron.

Mike: But you did say it.

Ross: Yes, yes I did. And I will also say what I’m about to say vis-a-vis the following, Phoebe has never had a serious relationship since her…super-serious relationship with…Vicrum.

Mike: Vicrum?

Ross: What, that’s a real name!

SCENE: Chandler arrives home from work.

Chandler: (Singing) Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain…STOP IT! Why couldn’t they have sent me to Texas? 7 o’clock, maybe I’ll hit the gym. (Sits down) Who am I kidding? Pay-per-view porn!

Monica enters.

Chandler: Do not disturb! Do not disturb! (Changes channels.) Monica!

Monica: Is everything all right?

Chandler: Everything’s great, just watching some regular television there, what a pleasant surprise. (She hugs him, She knows he was masturbating, but he has changed the channel to a nature program about sharks.)

Monica: I’m gonna go freshen up, OK?

Chandler: OK honey…. (To himself)That was close.

Cut to Rachel; phone rings.

Rachel: Hello.

Monica: Hey Rach, its me, OK, I just got to Chandler’s room and I caught him molesting himself.

Rachel: Oh, that couldn’t have been pretty. But you know, guys do that.

Monica: Yeah well, the weird part is… he was getting off to a shark attack show!

Rachel: Noooooo!

Monica: Yes! Chandler watches shark porn!

SCENE: Monica’s Apartment

Rachel: Well, watching sharks? Are you sure that’s what he was doing?

Monica: Do you know how many times I’ve seen him jump up like that? Believe me, I know what he was doing.

Rachel: Man, sharks. I always knew there was something weird about that dude. But you promised to love him no matter what.

Monica: Which means if he gets like a disease or kills someone. Not if he gets his jollies to Jaws!

Rachel: Ah! You know what honey? Guys are just different. They like things that we can’t understand. You know, I once dated this guy who wanted to pretend he was an archeologist and I was a naughty cave woman that he unfroze from a block of ice.

Monica: Eww, are you talking about my bother?

Rachel: Yeah, I didn’t disguise that very well, did I.

Joey: (Enters) Hey!

Rachel: Hi.

Joey: Listen to this… I went out with this girl last night and half way through our date, I realized I already slept with her!

(Monica makes a strange face and sits down)

Rachel: So basically, you’ve slept with all the woman in New York and now you’re just going around again.

Joey: Well that’s not even the weird part. I don’t think she remembered sleeping with me.

Monica: But you don’t remember sleeping with her.

Joey: Yeah, but she should remember sleeping with me! I am very memorable, you guys know.

Rachel: What, how do we know, we never slept with you.

Joey: And who’s fault is that? [note, see 306, etc.]

Monica: What’s the big deal, you forgot, she forgot, maybe you were having an off night.

Joey: Hey! I never have an off night, OK, although sometimes when I’m a little bloated I don’t feel very sexy, but even then I’m better than most!

Monica: Honey, why don’t you just let it go and ask her out again?

Rachel: Yeah, you’re both so slutty you don’t even remember who you’ve slept with! You’re made for each other.

Joey: Interesting. All right, I’ll go out with her again and try to get past it (reaches for chips) Oh salt, bloaty!

Monica: Joey, Joey.

Joey: What?

Monica: You don’t think sharks are sexy do you?

Joey: No. (Pause) Wait a minute, what was the little mermaid?

SCENE: Phoebe’s Apartment

Phoebe: It’s open.

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! Mike called, we’re going out again! Yay yay! (She dances)

Ross: Yay! Quick thing, I went to talk to Mike.

Phoebe: What? Wha-wha-what did you do, Ross!

Ross: Oh boy, you got mad at that part. I went over there to tell him how great you are but you know me, blah blah blah, and I ended up telling him …that….

Phoebe: What!

Ross: Umm… that you had a six-year-long relationship with a guy named Vicrum.

Phoebe: What? Why!

Ross: Well, he seemed too bummed out that you’d never been in a serious relationship.

Phoebe: (Walks towards Ross) If you hadn’t just had a baby with my best friend I swear to Lucifer a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!

Ross: Well Phoebe, I think you’ll feel better when you know a little bit about Vicrum. He’s a kite designer! And he used to date Oprah!

Phoebe: I’m not going along with some lie you made, Ross. No I’m just gonna be honest with him.

Ross: Good, yeah, just be honest with him.

Phoebe: Yeah, I’ve nothing to be ashamed of. OK, so I haven’t been in a relationship that lasted longer then a month. OK, I haven’t had a real boyfriend. You know, if he can’t handle that, he can leave. Which he will, and that’s OK. So I’ll just be alone forever, you know, alright, I’ll be… it’ll be fine, it’ll be fine. I’ll go on walking tours with widows and lesbians.

(Knock on door.)

Ross: I’ll get it.

Phoebe: OK.

Mike: (To Ross.) You know, I’m trying to think of the last time I opened a door and you weren’t there. Phoebe, are you OK?

Phoebe: Uh huh yeah. There’s just something umm, there’s something you should know…. Vicrum just called.

SCENE: Hayley’s Place

Hayley: So it was kind of a shock. After 25 years of marriage, my parents, a perfect couple, getting divorced. I kinda took it the hardest ’cause I was the youngest.

Joey: Uh huh, sure, yeah. How can you not remember me?

Hayley: What?

Joey: How could you not remember that we slept together?

Hayley: What! When?

Joey: I dunno!

Hayley: I really, really think I would remember sleeping with you.

Joey: Come on, come on, search your brain. All right. it was … a certain amount of time ago, I was here, you were here, we had sex (Pointing) here, here, here NOT there. Anything?

Hayley: No, it’s not ringing any bells.

Joey: My God, woman! How many people do you have to have been with not to remember any of this?

Hayley’s roommate: (Enters) Hey Hayley, you’ve really gotta fix that doorknob. Joey!

Joey: Oooooh, I slept with you! And you obviously remember me. Hey! I still got it. (To Hayley) So we’re good. (She just glares at him) I’ll let myself out.

SCENE: Phoebe’s Place

Phoebe: …and I said Vicrum, you can’t just call every time you get lonely, you know, you, you gave up that right when you slept with Rachel.

Mike: But Rachel I thought she just had a baby with Ross.

Phoebe: Yeah well (pause) yeah you know, Emma’s birth certificate might say Geller but her eyes say Mookurgee.

Mike: That is so wrong and on top of that he’s a glue sniffer.

Phoebe: I know but he calls and my heart goes to him. You know that bastard is one smooth-talking free-lance kite designer.

Mike: I just think there’s somebody better out there for you, (pause) I mean I’m not saying me but…maybe me.

Phoebe: Oh.

Mike: And you don’t have to worry about glue sniffing with me. Although I do smell the occasional magic marker, yeah ah anyway, I just think I can make you happy.

Phoebe: OK I can’t do this.

Mike: What’s wrong?

Phoebe: Well there is no Vicrum, Ross made him up because I never really have been in a long-term relationship, I’ve never lived with a guy, and I’ve never even celebrated an anniversary so…if that’s too weird for you and you wanna leave I totally understand. In fact I’ll close my eyes, make it less awkward (She sits, eyes closed. Mike kisses her.) You kissed me.

Mike: Uh huh.

Phoebe: So you don’t think I’m a total freak

Mike: No. Well look, can I think you’re weird and also cool for telling me the truth and also wanna kiss you?

Phoebe: I guess so, can I, can I think it’s cool that you kiss me and also wanna kiss you again and umm, be a little concerned about the magic markers?

Mike: Definitely

Ross: (On phone, in accent) This is Vicrum.

SCENE: Chandler & Monica’ s Place

Chandler: Hi honey I’m home!

Monica: Hi, how was your flight? (She hugs him)

Chandler: Oh it was great.

Monica: (While putting in video tape.) Here why don’t you sit down, get yourself comfortable because I have a little surprise for you!

Chandler: Well, well, well it must be five in Tulsa because it’s six o clock in NYC!

Monica: OK. This is how much I love you. (Plays tape.)

Chandler: Honey, why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around?

Monica: Is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast forward to something a little toothier?

Chandler: No, I’m not quite sure you got the right movie, that’s all.

Monica: Oh well, this is the only one they had at our video store, but they did have something called crocodile killers. Or does it always have to be sharks?

Chandler: Does what always have to be sharks?

Monica: Honey, look, we can do something else, do you want me to get into the tub and thrash?

Chandler: What’s going on?

Monica: Sweetie it’s OK, I still love you, let me be a part of this.

Chandler: Let ME be a part of this!

Monica: I saw what you were doing in Tulsa. Angry sharks turn you on!

Chandler: No they don’t

Monica: Then why were you watching them and giving yourself a treat?

Chandler: Oh my God! When you came in, I switched the channel, I was just watching regular porn!

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Yeah, just some good old-fashioned girl-on-girl American action.

Monica: I cannot tell you how happy that makes me!

Chandler: You are an amazing wife. No really, you’re amazing! You were actually gonna do this for me, I mean, where do you find the strength and understanding over something like that?

Monica: I’m very, very drunk right now.

(They hug.)

SCENE: Central Perk

Joey: (Looks at a girl walking in.) See, ordinarily I would talk to her, but my confidence is shaken… did I sleep with her? did I not sleep with her?

Phoebe: You know, maybe this is a wake-up call, about your whole dating attitude. You’re in your 30’s and you’ve never had a serious relationship and you have never been in a long-term relationship, here you go from woman to woman, meaningless experience to meaningless experience, never even worrying that it doesn’t turn into anything serious.

Joey: You’re right! I love my life! (He gets up to go and speak to the girl and he turns back and sits down) I actually did sleep with her.